My Heart Was Breaking Today...

Good news! Two of the babies with heart conditions, Sarah and Charlotte (who is blue), got to go to the hospital today to get tests done to see if they can be helped by New Hope Foundation. This was such a blessing and answer to prayer because we have all been really worried about them.

My heart was breaking today as I walked into the baby room where Emerson is and she is on an IV and being checked by doctors. They put them on IVs for EVERYTHING, even just a cold. I have no idea why the doctors were there, but I hate to see the kids tied up in the chairs when they get those IVs. They just sit there and cry and you cannot pick them up to comfort them so it is just really sad.

Today we played with the babies for an hour when we first got there, and then we played with the big kids outside for two hours. Then we left, and we came back at 3 and played with the babies for an hour and a half then played with the big kids for an hour. I finally got to hold Emerson, but her congestion is getting worse so I am a little worried about her. Her breathing is more labored and she sounds wheezy and is coughing. I cannot believe that in 2 and half days we have to say goodbye to these kids…. I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it.

Back to Emerson again…. Amy (another team member) and I were talking today, and realized that I don’t even notice Emerson's cleft palate and cleft lip anymore. It is like it is not even there. All I see is a beautiful, happy, sweet, sweet, sweet baby girl. Obviously it is still there, but it is so fixable and she is already a gorgeous baby. Seeing these kids and what they go through, loving the least of these makes me realize that we are so superficial, judgmental and honestly stupid for a lot of the ways we think, view things and do things. Because in reality the things we treasure most, the things we find important are not at all. They are almost always a waste of time. Love is looking at the outside but SEEING what is on the inside.

  



It is just really sad to me that so many kids are adoptable, they would fit great into a family, but all the laws and rules about waiting a certain amount of time and how they are eligible frustrates me. There is a boy we call Taylor. He was abandoned by his parents, came to the orphanage then his grandfather came and picked him up, but then was unable to take care of him so he had to go back. Now he waits until they can start his paperwork. He deserves to be in a family now; he is so smart, extremely helpful to the nannies with all of the younger kids, and really sweet. But then there are also the kids who never will be adopted, the ones who will age out sitting in the orphanage. What I don’t get is how you choose who is acceptable to be on the list to be adopted or not. These kids are no different. Well yes, they may look a little different, or act in a certain way but they are loving, and special just the same. I think everyone should have an equal chance at family. But then again I also understand that it costs money to add a child to the list and they try and choose who they think will be adopted the quickest, and also that there is a limit to how many can be on the list.

There is this little boy named PJ that sits on a little pot all day long and just shakes his head side to side with his eyes wide open. It is honestly a disturbing sight. But for the past couple of days he has gotten more used to us we have given him more attention and he will let us hold him, and he goes outside now. He doesn’t talk, well most of the kids don’t do more than laugh and grunt. But laughter means the same thing in every language so of course we can understand that. Today I got him up off the pot and pulled him onto my lap, (he also wears split pants) which is something that does not even phase me now, a lot of the kids do and so do kids on the street, sometimes without pants at all. That is one thing that is totally different from how we do it in America. But back to PJ; he let me hold him and rub his back and hug and kiss him which is big because he is so stiff does not really like being touched and just seems to be scared. I was glad that he was willing to let me hold him today.

I finally got Ben to laugh. He is such a loner and loves to play by himself because he can have all of the toys that way. But I tried to get him used to me a little bit and I was playing with him and I started throwing him up in the air and he absolutely loved it. He was giggling and it was the cutest thing. They say he has a blood disorder but you would never know it.

We gave the nannies their books today that have letters and pictures from various people, some kids who were adopted from there, their parents etc. And they really seemed to enjoy them. Steve, our guide, translated all of the letters to Chinese and had both in there for them.

China is so loud. All the time there are hundreds of different smells, horns honking, people singing, bells ringing, music playing and other noises. It is something I am not sure I could ever completely get used to. I like to be able to not see the street lights and hear every single sound of the city outside my window.

I really appreciate everyone’s prayers. They have helped me tremendously. This trip is wonderful, a beautiful experience, but also extremely exhausting, both physically and mentally. I believe with all my heart God has called me to work with Chinese orphans in some way. I have not figured out exactly what that is but I think that’s okay. Whatever it is, He has definitely been preparing me for it with this trip.

I think one of the hardest things to remember is that this is NOT about us. It is not about what I can get out of this trip. It is about what I can GIVE throughout this trip, how I can show/give love, which then shows Christ.