If Only...

July 11, 2013

If I was just a little older…. She would be mine. I would have turned the paperwork in the day I first saw Emerson. It does not even matter to me that I am not married nor will I be anytime soon. I would still take her in a heartbeat. It may sound crazy but in a way it felt like she was mine.  I was trying to think of ways I could make it work, get my parents to file for adoption and I just claim her as mine until I am legally able to adopt her. But obviously I know none of that would work.. if only.

It is weird how certain kids are drawn to you or you are drawn to them, a bond you would not have gotten to experience if not for going on this trip. I just cannot get over the pure joy these kids have, they are  ecstatic to play with a wet wipe…. How many of you could say that your child would be entertained for a good while with one? I am sure not many, these kids do not have much but they have a a lot more of the important stuff than some of the rest of us. They have love, they have constant joy, they are happy though they could rightfully be mad, upset, and closed off to the world. But these kids look past that, they look past what their past was and they see in the here and now. I think that is what a lot of us are missing, trying to see the good in the world. We need to look for the positive, seek it out. We need to have faith like a child, and love like we have never been hurt. Because let me tell you, these kids have seen more hurt in their lifetime than most of us do and that’s horrific.

The orphanage had us over for dinner again, and we are having lunch there tomorrow. Which is special because in previous years this has not happened. The cook prepared a huge meal and it was delicious! We prayed before we ate and Steve our guide translated it for the nannies and the director. Then she gave a speech thanking us for all that we do, and for having a team return each year, etc. She is a very diplomatic lady and even she got teary eyed, which was really sweet. It is obvious that she, along with all of the nannies, loves those kids and wants what is best for them. I am so thankful that they are open to many options, especially about sending the two heart babies to New Hope Foundation where they can get surgery and the proper care they need. After dinner we all took pictures with the nannies and took a group photo us, and the nannies as a team because that is what we are. We are all there for one reason, those kids and trying to make their lives a little better.

We went to a bead store on the way back from the orphanage this morning and a few of us chose some bracelets. But the lady who worked there had no idea what we were saying and we had no idea what she was saying, but luckily a 13 year old girl walked by and said hello to us so she asked her to come in and translate for us. And of course we got another picture with all of them.

We went outside with the big kids for an hour this morning and made paper chains and we did those little animals or shapes that you drop into hot water and they form into their shape out of the capsule. They loved this and then later when we were with them again in the afternoon we let them draw on their own slap bracelets and we “decorated” cookies. Well, we put  a blob of icing on the cookie with a little wooden spoon for them to spread it out with. And then they ate them, A LOT of them and were on a major sugar high! So things got a little crazy in that room.

Just seeing the differences in the kids from the first day is amazing. They were all great, but are just so much more even now, and they just blow my mind. How smart, and loving they are in these conditions.

I thought that I would really struggle with my patience on this trip and that I would get stressed out and frustrated, which I did a few times, but it was nothing compared to what I thought it might be. You look at those kids and you just cannot be mad, or upset. They are just too darn cute and too sweet. Yes, they may be rough sometimes, but they do not have structure and almost all of them have some special need that makes it that much harder. But my patience came easy with them.

We leave tomorrow and I am dreading it… saying goodbye to those kids and nannies is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Knowing that most of those kids will never leave that orphanage saddens me. But I also have to realize I can’t fix everybody, I cannot fix everything… This trip has taught me a lot, that I need to rely on God more and not try and do everything myself, and many other lessons. I am so glad for my time here in Chenzhou and I will miss all of them so much! They will forever be in my heart.